Photoless, But Humorous

Microscopic paperwork bullshit delays closing date on townhouse AGAIN. If I only knew whose desk upon which to shit. 


Had a fun playdate today at The Treehouse in Lake Zurich. The highlight for me was when my son brought me the old Band-Aid that fell off his knee. 


Uncomfortable and unexpected pregnancy symptoms have cropped up. Nothing serious. Annoying. 


I am fairly sure that everyone else in our building that was here when we bought the place has moved out. My jealousy is shameful. 


We got an X-Box that looks like R2D2. 


I am debating writing an angry expose on Lush Fresh Handmade Cosmetics...from the point of view of a former employee. Part of me hopes they see it. Another part knows they might see it and will very likely not give a shit. 


Contact lenses are WAY better than glasses. After 20-some years of wearing glasses...trust. 


Day's end finds me with many stains on my large tummy. 


My nail polish chipped after ONE DAY. What the fuck. 


Joan Holloway/Harris from Mad Men will forever be an idol of mine. 
DOES ANYONE ELSE WATCH THAT DAMN SHOW?!?! I CANT TALK ABOUT IT WITH ANYONE JEEEEZ. 


That's all. 

Shoe Lust List

Modcloth has great shoes...here is my completely biased-ly curated list for you:

Because tall boots are the best

Tall flat boots are also best

If I had silver sequined pants, I would wear them with these.

Wear with darkdark bellbottoms

SPANGLY

Because BUTTERFLIES

Who doesn't enjoy an interesting wedge?

Because my bestie has perfect nude pumps, I must also have them.

Because Joan Holloway has these. 

Because SHOES WITH WINGS, DUDE

These are more shoes I would wear on the daily. 

Perfect badass black wedge booties. 

All photos from Modcloth

I think it is safe to say that plenty of these shoes would be fit for a drag queen, and I am okay with that. 

Here's my issue...I'm already on the tall side of average. But I REALLY like tall shoes. When I wear tall shoes, I am like...TALL. And people are like...what's up with you being all TALL AND SHIT?

And all I can do is point down. They usually get it if they are chicks, man. 

Gargantuan

Today I am quite grateful that I have medical insurance and that I live in an age in which I have options. 


I don't think I've ever told my son's birth story here...don't worry, I won't. I'll sum up. 


He was gargantuan. I REALLY tried to have him come out naturally.
It wasn't happening. The docs had to go get him. Which was fine. 


Now I am gestating my second child. Yesterday I went for my growth ultrasound at 30 weeks. 


I wish I had a photo of the doctor's face when she told me the size. 


The child inside me is currently growing 2-3 weeks ahead of schedule. (and yes, I am like 95% sure of my dates as far as due date calculation goes)


4.8 pounds. SHIT man. I mean, that's great! Big babies don't seem fragile! They have really cute roundness! Chubby cheeks! Pudgy tummies! yay!


I truly am grateful to have a healthy baby. I am GOBSMACKED that this one is going to be another gargantuan one. My theory with the first baby was that his size was partly due my my ingestion of Hostess cupcakes, ramen , McDonald's breakfasts, Oreos. So with this one I haven't really (REALLY) given myself over completely to temptation (just kind of...I mean, when ELSE do I get to eat whatever I want?). 


Apparently genetics has other plans for me. 


I don't think I have ever been more happy to hear these words: 
"We can do the c-section a week before your due date. We don't want you to go into labor."


WHOO HOO. 


My MD also moved my due date up a week, so I now have TWO weeks LESS to be pregnant than I thought! 


WHOO HOO!


July tenth sound good? I like that date. 

Five Years

 Five years ago today we went to the chapel and got married. Then we had a really big party, and it was a blast. Nearly everyone in the entire world we love was there. 

 My lovely girls, our splendid (former) pastor, and the happy couple. 

We toasted our union with handblown glass beer boots from Germany. No pansy-ass champagne flutes for us. 

I could keep posting photos from the wedding. It was so much fun.
But a wedding is one day, while a marriage is forever. 
We have had quite a bit thrown at us, and we are both grateful for each other, and for the shared faith that grounds us and keeps us sane. 
To forever, Hunney. I laove you. 

A Letter

Dearest Body of Mine,


First of all , I would like to express my extreme appreciation for your continued health. You have provided me with many pleasant experiences: dancing, running, weightlifting, digestion, swimming, etc. You have borne one distinctly amazing child and will do so again in July. You and I together have walked the obesity line but never crossed it. Your ankles are cute and your ears are small. The blue eyes get compliments, and you have REALLY nice hair. I have never broken any of your bones, but I have seen one of them that time I cut my finger open in MN. 
I DO love you.


But this whole pregnancy sinuses thing is kind of bullshit. I don't really appreciate being woken up by my own stupid nose making noise. I understand that you're working on that whole gestation thing, but can we work together on the whole no-whistling-nose thing?


And I agree, the third trimester super sucks. 


Love
-the soul you carry

Differences Between First and Second

With your first pregnancy, people (or maybe just my husband) say(s) things like, 
'What a magical time for you!'
'Oh my goodness you're gonna be a MOMMY!!!'
'You're glowing, you really are...'


With your second pregnancy, people (or maybe just my husband) say(s) things like:
'TWO Twinkies? You're gonna eat TWO Twinkies?'
'Did you fart AGAIN?'
Me: 'Dang, I am PREGNANT.'
He: 'YEAH you are...'


I don't mean to imply that my husband is insensitive-far from it. His filter...just...is more of a colander. And I really do respect that about him. 


But I really can't help the farting. I'm sorry. I'll stand by an open window/door. 

HOLY BALLS!!!!!

This family does nothing gradually. If you know me at all, you know that gradual and subtle is not my style. I am all about bleaching, leopard print, large cabochons, loud music, bright colors...


I am also, apparently about major life changes all at once. 


When DH and I were first married, we bought this townhouse the weekend after the wedding. Then we moved and I got knocked up within 2 months of that. Oh, and did I mention he was studying for his CPA degree? (I probably have...)


Well...round 2 is upon us. 


DH starts his new job on Monday. My last day as a paid employee is Tuesday. Our short sale was approved yesterday. The buyer wants to close before June 4th. I am due to birth a child July 21. 


So, like, yay! But, also...DAMN. 

Is This a Joke?

When my son was born, he slept and fed in 2 hour increments, for which I was truly grateful. I felt somewhat energized and lucky that he would fall right back asleep while feeding at night. 


It was awesome, and after the initial new-parent exhaustion, we fell into a good routine and I could get some more sleep. 


But the past few days have been tough. Milo will NOT stay in his bed. He wants to sleep in my bed with me. Which might be cool...but...


He literally punches me in his sleep. He kicks. He tosses and turns.  LAST NIGHT he was FREAKING OUT because his HEAD WAS ITCHY!!! WHAT THE HELL???!?!


There was a thunderstorm last night, and I will never turn a scared kid out of my bed, but the itchy head thing kind of pissed me off. Jeez man.


I am super tired. I keep trying to tell myself that this is NOTHING compared to what will happen once baby comes. But shit man, I want to SLEEP. 


No, kiddo does NOT nap anymore. The best I can hope for is 20 minutes of shuteye this afternoon while he watches Adventure Time. 


Last night and the night before my husband has gone out with people from his office. He RARELY if ever does this, and seeing as this is his last week there, people wanted to take him out. 


This means literal 14-hour days alone with kiddo for me. Which...okay...but...shit man...(I said that like Bukowski during Hostage).


Bullocks. 

Dreams

Pregnancy causes some vivid dreams for me this time around. 


This morning I dreamt that I gave birth to an enormous baby girl with black hair. 


And that my sister Megan came in and told me that she liked her clothes (like, the blanket I swaddled her in. Weird).


My tummy has gotten to the get-in-the-way size. I keep bumping it into things, and my center of balance is thrown way off. 


I drop at least six things before noon. 


But I am happy to let this baby continue to marinate.