Death is a part of life. Every living thing dies. Eventually the thread of your life will be cut. This is on my mind because my father is in southern Illinois waiting for his own mother to pass.
Something else has been on my mind lately. And I would greatly appreciate your feedback.
I am ALL for the body positivity movement. All bodies are good bodies. Love yourself as you are, not how society says you should look/be. Even supermodels and the Kardashians don't look how they look on social media or print.
I get that.
However.
My mother. Who taught me valuable lessons and who fundamentally shaped who I am today (duh). She was morbidly obese for most of my lifetime. I didn't play and run outside with my parents. (my father had polio as a child)
I watched her lose weight and gain it back. I watched her go through the harrowing process of weight loss surgery (Lap Band).
I watched her health decline. I watched her as she eventually lost the ability to walk. I've read her journals and I know how she struggled. I saw for my ENTIRE LIFE how she struggled to do simple things. Sit at a restaurant (table only, no booths). Get out of bed. Get dressed. Get into and out of a car. Walk up the two steps into my house the ONE time she was able to come here before she became bedridden.
I am groin-grabbingly terrified this will happen to me. I am currently the heaviest I have ever been . I'm on Weight Watchers. I walk whenever I can. I am trying to accept my body as it is NOW because I CAN get out of bed/into and out of the car/upstairs. I am trying to be grateful and loving towards myself. But there is a part of me that sees my mother. In the stretch marks and cellulite. And it scares me because I don't want to end the way she did. It is my nightmare. It is what brings tears to my eyes when I spend more than a nanosecond in contemplation.
(my grandmother just passed away as I wrote this)
FUCK.
Friday, May 5, 2017
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Good Morning
It is 7:17 on the morning of May 4th. May the 4th be with you. I guess. I think that's weird. Lispy. Sort of funny.
look at me exercising my brain by typing sentences.
I've been reading a LOT of Shirley Jackson lately. Margaret Atwood too. Jackson's short stories are a treasure to be found. One Ordinary Day, With Peanuts is my favorite.
The last book I read was The Blind Assassin by Atwood. She included several passages that brought me to tears with recognition. I highly recommend and will share once I find the page I gently dogeared.
(call to the eldest child to make sure he is dressed for the day. turn on the sound of my phone for the youngest child. minor interruptions. )
We have been on a purge. of junk, things accumulated over the years. We have recently had our hardwood floors refinished, and more hardwood installed. It is glorious. Dark stain.
We have recently been gifted a generous amount of home goods from my outstanding in-laws. Pottery Barn outlet wins every time. My mother in law is better at finding deals than yours is.
Place a rug. Water the plants. Sweep the floor. Dishes in the dishwasher. Wipe the counter. Read a book. Watch RuPaul's Drag Race. Bake cookies. Make dinner. Be creative.
This is what I have. I made these sentences. And the only person who can in-make them is me.
look at me exercising my brain by typing sentences.
I've been reading a LOT of Shirley Jackson lately. Margaret Atwood too. Jackson's short stories are a treasure to be found. One Ordinary Day, With Peanuts is my favorite.
The last book I read was The Blind Assassin by Atwood. She included several passages that brought me to tears with recognition. I highly recommend and will share once I find the page I gently dogeared.
(call to the eldest child to make sure he is dressed for the day. turn on the sound of my phone for the youngest child. minor interruptions. )
We have been on a purge. of junk, things accumulated over the years. We have recently had our hardwood floors refinished, and more hardwood installed. It is glorious. Dark stain.
We have recently been gifted a generous amount of home goods from my outstanding in-laws. Pottery Barn outlet wins every time. My mother in law is better at finding deals than yours is.
Place a rug. Water the plants. Sweep the floor. Dishes in the dishwasher. Wipe the counter. Read a book. Watch RuPaul's Drag Race. Bake cookies. Make dinner. Be creative.
This is what I have. I made these sentences. And the only person who can in-make them is me.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
On grief
i have a feeling this will be a recurring theme.
Dear mom,
I wish I knew what you were saying to me with those final breaths. I know what I said to you. Did you hear me? Did you hear me tell you that we would be okay? It is very important to me to know that you heard me. I know I told you we would be fine and that your job was finished. But that was a lie. If I could have just one more day. I would make you the salad you asked me to make you and I never did. I would have asked you more about grandpa. I would have apologized again. Mom. Your job wasn't done. I lied. I'm not okay. Sometimes I am, but the. There are other times that it physically hurts me. My heart is hurt.
I miss you.
Dear mom,
I wish I knew what you were saying to me with those final breaths. I know what I said to you. Did you hear me? Did you hear me tell you that we would be okay? It is very important to me to know that you heard me. I know I told you we would be fine and that your job was finished. But that was a lie. If I could have just one more day. I would make you the salad you asked me to make you and I never did. I would have asked you more about grandpa. I would have apologized again. Mom. Your job wasn't done. I lied. I'm not okay. Sometimes I am, but the. There are other times that it physically hurts me. My heart is hurt.
I miss you.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Over Two Years
That is how long it has been since I have published on this little old blog.
I have been kicking some ideas around in my head about what I can write...about. Sometimes I feel as though I have a lot to say; even though some of it may not be joyful.
Today is Thursday October 13.
My mother has been dead nearly three months now. She was a big reader of this blog. Now she isn't. She was my biggest cheerleader, even when I bet she didn't feel it.
And now she is gone forever. People have been telling me that she will live on in my heart and that now she isn't in pain anymore and now she is happy and with Hilary and Grampa and John Lennon, etc. This doesn't really comfort me. I want HER to tell me she is happy. I want HER to tell me that Heaven is real.
I know that I must be strong in my faith and know that Heaven is real. That my mother is now perfect and in the presence of God. I must do these things because I am unsure of what will happen to me if I do not.
-----------------------------------------------------
Silas. My youngest and last child. This kid. This. Kid. He has tried me in ways I did not know I could be tried. Silas saved me after my mom died. He would hug me anytime I asked. He would be silly without knowing that it was exactly what I needed.
Maybe he does know. I get the feeling he knows a lot more than he lets on.
Silas still (at age 4) does not sleep through the night. He wakes up to go to the bathroom and then he crawls into bed with my husband and me.
Silas finally talks. He goes to preschool five days a week and I truly believe that his teachers are angels here on Earth.
----------------------------------------------------
That is about all I have the energy for right now. Thinking about my mom makes me sad.
I have been kicking some ideas around in my head about what I can write...about. Sometimes I feel as though I have a lot to say; even though some of it may not be joyful.
Today is Thursday October 13.
My mother has been dead nearly three months now. She was a big reader of this blog. Now she isn't. She was my biggest cheerleader, even when I bet she didn't feel it.
And now she is gone forever. People have been telling me that she will live on in my heart and that now she isn't in pain anymore and now she is happy and with Hilary and Grampa and John Lennon, etc. This doesn't really comfort me. I want HER to tell me she is happy. I want HER to tell me that Heaven is real.
I know that I must be strong in my faith and know that Heaven is real. That my mother is now perfect and in the presence of God. I must do these things because I am unsure of what will happen to me if I do not.
-----------------------------------------------------
Silas. My youngest and last child. This kid. This. Kid. He has tried me in ways I did not know I could be tried. Silas saved me after my mom died. He would hug me anytime I asked. He would be silly without knowing that it was exactly what I needed.
Maybe he does know. I get the feeling he knows a lot more than he lets on.
Silas still (at age 4) does not sleep through the night. He wakes up to go to the bathroom and then he crawls into bed with my husband and me.
Silas finally talks. He goes to preschool five days a week and I truly believe that his teachers are angels here on Earth.
----------------------------------------------------
That is about all I have the energy for right now. Thinking about my mom makes me sad.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
A Year Later
Wow. It really has been over a year since I have posted on here. What has happened in the past year?
Milo completed Kindergarten and is now in First Grade. Wooo!!! He's crushing math and is really adjusting well.
I ran a half marathon. WHAT???? Yes. I. The not-runner. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It had made me really grateful for my body and as such, I have committed to doing a Whole 30. What is that you ask? Well, this isn't a dang food blog or wahtever, so go check it out yourself.
Here are some photos!!!
Milo completed Kindergarten and is now in First Grade. Wooo!!! He's crushing math and is really adjusting well.
I ran a half marathon. WHAT???? Yes. I. The not-runner. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It had made me really grateful for my body and as such, I have committed to doing a Whole 30. What is that you ask? Well, this isn't a dang food blog or wahtever, so go check it out yourself.
Here are some photos!!!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Conversations With Milo
Int. My Home, early evening
Milo (walking in from the bathroom): Mom, can I play on Cartoon Network dot com, just for a minute?
Me: No, I'm using the computer right now. Ew, your breath smells like poo.
Milo: I FARTED. Can I play on the pleter now?
Milo (walking in from the bathroom): Mom, can I play on Cartoon Network dot com, just for a minute?
Me: No, I'm using the computer right now. Ew, your breath smells like poo.
Milo: I FARTED. Can I play on the pleter now?
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Shoes. And humor, I hope.
Um, and Doc Martens has SNEAKERS NOW WHERE HAVE I BEEN?
Here's a LINK because Macys website wouldn't let me steal anymore pics
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Conversations With Milo
Int. My Home. Mid-afternoon on a cloudy day.
Me: "Let's pick out a movie to watch."
Milo picks out BATMAN meets SCOOBY-DOO. I have seen this movie about eight thousand times.
Me: " Let's agree on something. I don't want to watch that. No Scooby-Doo or Batman."
Milo: "Mom, you always pick fings I don like, and I not gonna like what you pick."
Me: "Well, lets find something we can agree on. Bedtime Stories?"
Milo(flatly): "No"
Me: "How about scary Simpsons?"
Milo: "No, because that freak me out sometimes."
Me: "Okay, how about Bob's Burgers?"
Milo: "WELL. Someping gonna change my mind it gonna be ice cream.(although in Milo-ese it is pronounced eye freem)My mind finking I wanna watch Scooby-Dooby but if I have some eye freem it mean I gonna be finking what YOU want mama."
Me: "You are an evil genius. I'll get you some ice cream in a second."
(scene)
Me: "Let's pick out a movie to watch."
Milo picks out BATMAN meets SCOOBY-DOO. I have seen this movie about eight thousand times.
Me: " Let's agree on something. I don't want to watch that. No Scooby-Doo or Batman."
Milo: "Mom, you always pick fings I don like, and I not gonna like what you pick."
Me: "Well, lets find something we can agree on. Bedtime Stories?"
Milo(flatly): "No"
Me: "How about scary Simpsons?"
Milo: "No, because that freak me out sometimes."
Me: "Okay, how about Bob's Burgers?"
Milo: "WELL. Someping gonna change my mind it gonna be ice cream.(although in Milo-ese it is pronounced eye freem)My mind finking I wanna watch Scooby-Dooby but if I have some eye freem it mean I gonna be finking what YOU want mama."
Me: "You are an evil genius. I'll get you some ice cream in a second."
(scene)
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Just a Little
I've not entirely abandoned this space...
Two small children and a husband and a home to care for ...it takes up a lot of my time.
Silas has been teething nonstop for months now and does not sleep. He is crawling like a madman and will walk soon. He pulls up to standing.
Milo has begun learning his numbers and letters. We got him registered for all-day kindergarten at the school I can see from my front porch.
My husband is leaving for an extended work weekend in Boston on Sunday and will not return until Wednesday.
If my sister weren't coming to stay with me for a couple nights, I would be very fearful.
Being in a big house alone after the kids are asleep is a little spooky.
I just found the baby gleefully unrolling all the toilet paper in the powder room.
I am sure this is quite obvious, but I am exhausted. My mental and emotional state has manifested itself physically.
The End.
Two small children and a husband and a home to care for ...it takes up a lot of my time.
Silas has been teething nonstop for months now and does not sleep. He is crawling like a madman and will walk soon. He pulls up to standing.
Milo has begun learning his numbers and letters. We got him registered for all-day kindergarten at the school I can see from my front porch.
My husband is leaving for an extended work weekend in Boston on Sunday and will not return until Wednesday.
If my sister weren't coming to stay with me for a couple nights, I would be very fearful.
Being in a big house alone after the kids are asleep is a little spooky.
I just found the baby gleefully unrolling all the toilet paper in the powder room.
I am sure this is quite obvious, but I am exhausted. My mental and emotional state has manifested itself physically.
The End.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Conversations With Milo
(Overheard) "FETCH, boy!"
Me: Milo, your brother is not a dog.
Milo: I know. I tryna train him like a dog.
Me: Milo, your brother is not a dog.
Milo: I know. I tryna train him like a dog.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Motherhood-ITS NOT THAT BAD
Ordinarily when I see something online that irritates me, I just quietly un-follow, block or whatever.
But today I saw something that offended and insulted me; and I felt compelled to write about it. I won't link to the website or the tweet only because I don't want to give this idiot any more attention than she already gets.
I know some women choose not to have kids. Years ago, I thought I was one of them.
Childbirth is scary, and it jacks up your body. In unimaginable ways. It is painful, emotional and terrifying.
BUT
It is also empowering, liberating, and beautiful.
When some skinny bitch on Twitter reads a joke article about the 10 scary things no one tells you about childbirth and then says she wishes she hadn't clicked because THE HORROR...I get offended and insulted.
I know I piss and moan a lot about my place in life right now. It isn't what I anticipated or expected for my life. But I get to raise my children the way my husband I and see fit. I am BLESSED to have my kids.
I am BLESSED to have stretch marks and an acceptance of my body that I would NOT have gained had I not carried two children to term.
Hard milk-filled boobs and messed up girly bits are TEMPORARY. Post-partum depression can be treated. Wanting to kill your husband is...well...normal sometimes. The love and the future I create with and for my kids is FOREVER.
So, GFY, you childless moron. I won't be following you or reading your stupid blog anymore.
But today I saw something that offended and insulted me; and I felt compelled to write about it. I won't link to the website or the tweet only because I don't want to give this idiot any more attention than she already gets.
I know some women choose not to have kids. Years ago, I thought I was one of them.
Childbirth is scary, and it jacks up your body. In unimaginable ways. It is painful, emotional and terrifying.
BUT
It is also empowering, liberating, and beautiful.
When some skinny bitch on Twitter reads a joke article about the 10 scary things no one tells you about childbirth and then says she wishes she hadn't clicked because THE HORROR...I get offended and insulted.
I know I piss and moan a lot about my place in life right now. It isn't what I anticipated or expected for my life. But I get to raise my children the way my husband I and see fit. I am BLESSED to have my kids.
I am BLESSED to have stretch marks and an acceptance of my body that I would NOT have gained had I not carried two children to term.
Hard milk-filled boobs and messed up girly bits are TEMPORARY. Post-partum depression can be treated. Wanting to kill your husband is...well...normal sometimes. The love and the future I create with and for my kids is FOREVER.
So, GFY, you childless moron. I won't be following you or reading your stupid blog anymore.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Conversations WIth Milo
Int.
My house.
Midmorning.
Milo is in the powder room, dropping a deuce. I am on the computer.
He exits said bathroom.
Me: "Milo, where are you?"
Milo: "In da bafroom mommeee."
Me: "What are you DOING?"
Milo(grunting): "I POOPIN"
Milo comes downstairs, sans pants.
Milo: "I pooped EVERYWHERE."
Me (fearful): "What do you mean?!"
Milo: "I pooped in ALL da bafrooms."
Me: "Even mine?WHY???"
Milo: "Ahcause....I just...fink it was...I hadda get ALLLLL da poop out. And I flush ALL the potties."
Me: "Well, honey, you know...when you go poop on the potty you stay on the same one until all the poop comes out."
Milo: "oh. okay."
SCENE
My house.
Midmorning.
Milo is in the powder room, dropping a deuce. I am on the computer.
He exits said bathroom.
Me: "Milo, where are you?"
Milo: "In da bafroom mommeee."
Me: "What are you DOING?"
Milo(grunting): "I POOPIN"
Milo comes downstairs, sans pants.
Milo: "I pooped EVERYWHERE."
Me (fearful): "What do you mean?!"
Milo: "I pooped in ALL da bafrooms."
Me: "Even mine?WHY???"
Milo: "Ahcause....I just...fink it was...I hadda get ALLLLL da poop out. And I flush ALL the potties."
Me: "Well, honey, you know...when you go poop on the potty you stay on the same one until all the poop comes out."
Milo: "oh. okay."
SCENE
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Conversations With Milo
Int. My kitchen. Day.
Me: "WHATDOYOUTHINKYOUREDOING?" (an attempt to startle my son, who is opening and closing the freezer door)
Milo: " I tryin to freeze them."
Me: "Who? Trying to freeze who?"
Milo: " My guys. My Star Wars guys. "
(these guys are made of plastic)
Me: " That...doesn't make a whole lot of sense."
Me: "WHATDOYOUTHINKYOUREDOING?" (an attempt to startle my son, who is opening and closing the freezer door)
Milo: " I tryin to freeze them."
Me: "Who? Trying to freeze who?"
Milo: " My guys. My Star Wars guys. "
(these guys are made of plastic)
Me: " That...doesn't make a whole lot of sense."
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Morning Conversation With Milo
Me: Hey , you know...you snore.
Milo: Yeah, that's how I talk when I'm dreaming.
Milo: Yeah, that's how I talk when I'm dreaming.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Conversations With Milo at 6 am
Milo: I saw something spooky in my room ,so I wanted to come be with you.
Me: What did you see that was spooky?
Milo: A green light, and I heard a voice
Me (trying to unconvince myself that my house is haunted): What did the voice say? Did you see anyone:
Milo (trembling and snuggling still further into my arms): well, I don't remember, but it was spooky. It was a man. (getting less freaked out) In CARBONITE! It was Han Solo. Him was in carbonite in my room by the door.
Me: oh yeah? Well sometimes in the dark things are spooky but in the daytime they are not really spooky.
Milo: Mommy, can we keep him? Han Solo in carbonite?
Me: yes, Milo. If Han Solo is frozen in carbonite in your room; yes, we can keep him.
Milo goes upstairs. Returns disappointed.
Me: What did you see that was spooky?
Milo: A green light, and I heard a voice
Me (trying to unconvince myself that my house is haunted): What did the voice say? Did you see anyone:
Milo (trembling and snuggling still further into my arms): well, I don't remember, but it was spooky. It was a man. (getting less freaked out) In CARBONITE! It was Han Solo. Him was in carbonite in my room by the door.
Me: oh yeah? Well sometimes in the dark things are spooky but in the daytime they are not really spooky.
Milo: Mommy, can we keep him? Han Solo in carbonite?
Me: yes, Milo. If Han Solo is frozen in carbonite in your room; yes, we can keep him.
Milo goes upstairs. Returns disappointed.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Fire and Ice
There was some crazy ass fire in Chicago this week. Like...yesterday I think.
Plus it was hella cold. Check it out:
These photos are incredible. Beautiful.
Plus it was hella cold. Check it out:
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