Tuesday, March 14, 2017

On grief

i have a feeling this will be a recurring theme.

Dear mom,

I wish I knew what you were saying to me with those final breaths. I know what I said to you. Did you hear me? Did you hear me tell you that we would be okay? It is very important to me to know that you heard me. I know I told you we would be fine and that your job was finished. But that was a lie. If I could have just one more day. I would make you the salad you asked me to make you and I never did. I would have asked you more about grandpa. I would have apologized again. Mom. Your job wasn't done. I lied. I'm not okay. Sometimes I am, but the. There are other times that it physically hurts me. My heart is hurt.

I miss you.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Over Two Years

That is how long it has been since I have published on this little old blog.

I have been kicking some ideas around in my head about what I can write...about. Sometimes I feel as though I have a lot to say; even though some of it may not be joyful.

Today is Thursday October 13.

My mother has been dead nearly three months now. She was a big reader of this blog. Now she isn't. She was my biggest cheerleader, even when I bet she didn't feel it.

And now she is gone forever. People have been telling me that she will live on in my heart and that now she isn't in pain anymore and now she is happy and with Hilary and Grampa and John Lennon, etc. This doesn't really comfort me. I want HER to tell me she is happy. I want HER to tell me that Heaven is real.

I know that I must be strong in my faith and know that Heaven is real. That my mother is now perfect and in the presence of God. I must do these things because I am unsure of what will happen to me if I do not.


Silas. My youngest and last child. This kid. This. Kid. He has tried me in ways I did not know I could be tried. Silas saved me after my mom died. He would hug me anytime I asked. He would be silly without knowing that it was exactly what I needed.

Maybe he does know. I get the feeling he knows a lot more than he lets on.

Silas still (at age 4) does not sleep through the night. He wakes up to go to the bathroom and then he crawls into bed with my husband and me.

Silas finally talks. He goes to preschool five days a week and I truly believe that his teachers are angels here on Earth.


That is about all I have the energy for right now. Thinking about my mom makes me sad.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

A Year Later

Wow. It really has been over a year since I have posted on here. What has happened in the past year?

Milo completed Kindergarten and is now in First Grade. Wooo!!! He's crushing math and is really adjusting well.

I ran a half marathon. WHAT???? Yes. I. The not-runner. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It had made me really grateful for my body and as such, I have committed to doing a Whole 30. What is that you ask? Well, this isn't a dang food blog or wahtever, so go check it out yourself.

Here are some photos!!!