Good Morning

It is 7:17 on the morning of May 4th. May the 4th be with you. I guess. I think that's weird. Lispy. Sort of funny.

look at me exercising my brain by typing sentences.

I've been reading a LOT of Shirley Jackson lately. Margaret Atwood too. Jackson's short stories are a treasure to be found. One Ordinary Day, With Peanuts is my favorite. 

The last book I read was The Blind Assassin by Atwood. She included several passages that brought me to tears with recognition. I highly recommend and will share once I find the page I gently dogeared.

(call to the eldest child to make sure he is dressed for the day. turn on the sound of my phone for the youngest child. minor interruptions. )

We have been on a purge. of junk, things accumulated over the years. We have recently had our hardwood floors refinished, and more hardwood installed. It is glorious. Dark stain.

We have recently been gifted a generous amount of home goods from my outstanding in-laws. Pottery Barn outlet wins every time. My mother in law is better at finding deals than yours is.

Place a rug. Water the plants. Sweep the floor. Dishes in the dishwasher. Wipe the counter. Read a book. Watch RuPaul's Drag Race. Bake cookies. Make dinner. Be creative.


This is what I have. I made these sentences. And the only person who can in-make them is me.

On grief

i have a feeling this will be a recurring theme.

Dear mom,

I wish I knew what you were saying to me with those final breaths. I know what I said to you. Did you hear me? Did you hear me tell you that we would be okay? It is very important to me to know that you heard me. I know I told you we would be fine and that your job was finished. But that was a lie. If I could have just one more day. I would make you the salad you asked me to make you and I never did. I would have asked you more about grandpa. I would have apologized again. Mom. Your job wasn't done. I lied. I'm not okay. Sometimes I am, but the. There are other times that it physically hurts me. My heart is hurt.

I miss you.

Over Two Years

That is how long it has been since I have published on this little old blog.

I have been kicking some ideas around in my head about what I can write...about. Sometimes I feel as though I have a lot to say; even though some of it may not be joyful.

Today is Thursday October 13.

My mother has been dead nearly three months now. She was a big reader of this blog. Now she isn't. She was my biggest cheerleader, even when I bet she didn't feel it.

And now she is gone forever. People have been telling me that she will live on in my heart and that now she isn't in pain anymore and now she is happy and with Hilary and Grampa and John Lennon, etc. This doesn't really comfort me. I want HER to tell me she is happy. I want HER to tell me that Heaven is real.

I know that I must be strong in my faith and know that Heaven is real. That my mother is now perfect and in the presence of God. I must do these things because I am unsure of what will happen to me if I do not.

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Silas. My youngest and last child. This kid. This. Kid. He has tried me in ways I did not know I could be tried. Silas saved me after my mom died. He would hug me anytime I asked. He would be silly without knowing that it was exactly what I needed.

Maybe he does know. I get the feeling he knows a lot more than he lets on.

Silas still (at age 4) does not sleep through the night. He wakes up to go to the bathroom and then he crawls into bed with my husband and me.

Silas finally talks. He goes to preschool five days a week and I truly believe that his teachers are angels here on Earth.

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That is about all I have the energy for right now. Thinking about my mom makes me sad.