Friday, November 30, 2012

The Battle

In many ways, we do some sort of battle daily. Battle against traffic, against inner demons, against enemies,etc.

I battle with myself. The crummy thing about fighting with yourself is that you don't really ever win. 

My recent struggle is with my appearance. I know, I know...vanity is disgusting. But I can't help it. If my appearance doesn't at least approach cute...I feel bad. 

I can't fit into ANY of my clothes. I feel as though I don't have time to exercise. Or maybe, I just don't want to do it. 

Sometimes the weight of this world seems to be more than I can handle. 

It is no coincidence that I am writing this on a Friday morning. Thursdays have been a battlefield for me for some time now. I hate them. My best friend knows this and occasionally sends me (I just got a text from her this moment) a text or an email to cheer me up.

Yesterday (and the day before) was rough. The bad thoughts beat their way through the walls I have built in my mind and came crashing to the forefront. 

I know that I should be grateful. For this life. For my wonderful husband. For my incredible family and friends. 

And I am. 

I often say, "I love you people but I need you to get the hell away from me."

Today my prayer is for strength. Strength to do what I know is right. To NOT eat the rest of the chocolate cake in my fridge. To run to God. To appreciate what I have. To be GRATEFUL for my body-the body that held and nourished two babies. To not detest myself or my situation. 



  1. good ju-ju vibes being sent your way. we all have shitty days, and while I certainly can't claim to know where you're at or that "I totally understand" (I loathe that), I can say that I get it's not a great place to have set up camp.

  2. As someone who has dealt with (and is still dealing with) depression and anxiety and that cycle of procrastination and self-loathing, I say have you ever considered therapy? I highly recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy. It isn't drawn out talking about your feelings--it's focusing on how you can change your thoughts and behaviors in ways that will help you enjoy your life more. For example, how to start exercising when it seems so difficult.

  3. Jessica, thank you for this and for the exchange we've been having on Fb. I appreciate you muchly.
    Kp, thanks for the vibes, they are felt and appreciated.